the deepest pain of an artist

Sir, I pin my butterfly to the world,
then hawk my wares: calling out,
pointing my finger, attending death – 
“This is a valuable specimen,
worth your expense, a rare masterpiece”
for a staring public rich with ignorance
and I must be paid for my travesty,
for chasing my butterfly and defining it
piercing my soul with its death
and marking it clear with my name.
Being executed, it dies, sir, 
and my living is made by its death.



the fantasy epidemic of my era

I’ve just been thinking that this era of people, mostly young but including middle aged people too, is entirely taken up with fantasy worlds. Maybe it started with the computer? I don’t know. but consider it- the 3D worlds in Wii & other computer games, the virtual network of facebook, the giant wishlist of pinterest, the madness over fantasy literature like the Hunger Games and Twilight and all movies in general – we don’t go out and do things anymore. We stay in and escape from this world into another one…. ironically, that one usually has even more problems than ours does, it’s just that we have more control over it. I first became aware of this epidemic when I felt its work on me. I wanted to create something – I had a that creative turn of mood that comes onto me every once in awhile. But did I? No, I sat down and watched two murder mysteries. Out of this world for a blissful hour and a half… into another one. Strange. I need to teach myself to pursue art, love, hiking, stargazing, and all those lovely things that require me to be entirely engaged in this world and realizing that I am a person that affects my own reality and that of all those around me. This isn’t a game, or a bad dream to escape from. I only have one life, and I refuse to waste it escaping from reality.

cath’s evening journal

Tonight I wanted to listen to some certain music. I yearned for it, even while knowing that I had never heard it before… just as I sit before this screen, knowing that this is the time I would be giving to him if he were here. I know what it is to miss someone so badly that there is a vacuum inside, even though this person has not entered my life yet. It is the feeling I have after waking up and trying to remember what I dreamed… I always find it impossible to catch the images, because they flee from me. I encounter this trickery again when my heart cries out to go home, but remember that I am already there- or am I? and I long for a place where I have never been, loving things and people that do not yet exist for me.

I remember sovereign love in the pain

Yesterday my family all gathered together for the first time in two years. It was to be a weekend full of quiet reunion and just living together for a few rare days. Then came in one son and brother, with heaviness and pain showing in his face and his step; yes, it was a lingering health issue we all knew about- it was easy to forget his pain because it was so daily and familiar. Honestly, when I saw it was worse, I wished it away and got a little angry. This, of all days to be weighed down by sickness! when we were all in one place for once and just trying to have a party before reality set in again.

And then my Daddy came in and gathered us all together. “We need to pray,” he said, “because when one member hurts we all hurt.” With his Bible trembling in his rough hands, he read from psalm 91, wavering but always coming back with strength. And he prayed. The often absent brother prayed too, full of love and boldness and coming to the throne for his brother. And I wept… because here I found meaning in the pain that I had wished would go away. It wrapped us all closer together in the arms of God and in such a deep family love that I could feel it, and I remembered that He does all things well.

wisdom from Hosea

“Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him.  Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.”

-Hosea 6:1-3

because we need Isaiah 40

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?

Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD, or what man shows him his counsel?

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One.

Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God”?

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

-Taken from Isaiah 40, ESV


profile of a man

He’s a man who stops and prays just because, and he doesn’t care who’s watching him bow his head. He refuses to be in bondage to anything and satiates himself from the fountain of living waters. He does the business of life with all of his heart and sometimes makes big mistakes, but love covers all. He gets up early and goes to work with a packed lunch and stays overtime, all for the love of them. He still gets excited about water fights and chocolate chip cookies and boxes in the mail. He loves on his wife with a holy passion and holds her hand in public. He lives day and night for God with no breaks and no barriers. I know this man exists because someday he will be my husband…