to be a mother…

Here I have been sitting, wondering how to do this project describing my plans for a future career & how I will achieve it. If I write about my career as a professional illustrator, I would have to say that I want to work for a publisher and churn out pictures 24/7- say that I would be happy with a salary of no less than $40,000 a year, and I can envision myself as some such-and-such in the world of artists and illustrators. And in the truth of this moment, this one thing becomes clear. This career assignment would be easy if I were writing about what I really want to be… a mother.

Here I am training in a prestigious art program, spending my days with all that concerns art. Telling my teachers that I want to be an illustrator – waiting for praise from them like a dog for a bone, and trying to hide the burden building on my heart of not wanting this,  knowing it will be expensive and it will take so many years, and so much effort. And all I want to be is a mother. To have my own home and make my own bread and paint the walls and love my kids… to know that after work, my man would come in the door and I would have the honor of serving him & loving him as long as we both live.

Until the man walks into my life, I will be an artist. I will hide my true calling and masquerade behind my brushes & canvas. And when he comes, my life will begin.

i have decided to journal in poetry

I found one of my many poem/prayers in an old notebook today… it tells me more about myself than all my daily journal entries ever will. This openness before God was a good place to be… I need to go back there again.

Father, today I pray without pretending.

the wrapped up niceties are gone,

and only rawness remains.

you know the deep end of me, anyway.

this moment, I pray not theology

but simply crave to recall my reason,

the purpose I have for remaining alive.

all I want, all I ask is to believe

that the invisible is worth more.

to see the invisible, I need to know

the solemn meaning of counting my all as loss.

to gain your fullness, I must be empty.

psyche of a college kid

For a person like me who enjoys studying personalities & psychology like issues,  a college campus with thousands of people has a lot of potential.  Often I laugh at what I see… they are just away from home, but living it up and determined and putting up facades.  Sometimes I feel sorry for them- there is something pathetic in putting so many kids in one spot. That’s what they are, really… in spite of their exaggerated freedom, they are just kids who have just been let loose on the jungle gym. Though no two are alike, they all have a sense of restlessness. They know what they want and are afraid they will never get it, but are working so hard for their dreams.

the definition of beauty

If I had never seen an entire display of Monet’s masterpieces, something far less might impress me; so when sin appeals to me, it is only because I am looking at sin rather than God. If I were looking at God, I would see that He is the definition of truth, goodness, and beauty. Sin will grow filthy to me if I gaze on God until I learn to see Him shining forth in His perfection of beauty (Ps. 50:2).

my thanksgiving away from home

Today I worked for a Thanksgiving meal & watched all the families making memories around the tables. The little people with big solemn eyes made me realize just what a big grown up I am…working at my own life and future, instead of wrapped up in my family. And since I’m a college kid far from home, I accepted one of several invitations for a real Thanksgiving dinner in an actual home. The table was so big it had to go in sideways, and shoulder to shoulder we all passed the dishes. I wondered at the sixteen conversations all going on at once, and thought of home where only one reigned around the small table. Then later during the movie, the lights went off and my heart woke up. I can only push down the loneliness for so long… sometimes, I would give anything to have a strong shoulder.

 

valley of vision

Who can fathom immeasurable love?

As far as the rational soul exceeds the senses,

so does the spirit exceed the rational in its knowledge of thee.

Thou has given me understanding to compass the earth,

measure the sun, moon, stars, universe,

but above all to know thee, the only true God.

I marvel that the finite can know the Infinite,

here a little, afterwards in full-orbed truth;

Now I shall know but a small portion of what I shall know,

here in part, there in perfection,

here a glimpse, there a glory.

To enjoy thee is life eternal, and to enjoy is to know.

Keep me in the freedom of experiencing thy salvation continually.

  -Valley of Vision

psalm of a mighty God

Today  I just stopped and drank in this psalm, because I was too tired to even think one more thought without reading about my God. So for whatever reason you happen to be on my humble blog, what you really need is His words instead of mine… consider this.

“The LORD reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the LORD is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself:                                                                                        the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved.
Thy throne is established of old: thou art from everlasting.
The floods have lifted up, O LORD, the floods have lifted up their voice;                            the floods lift up their waves.
The LORD on high is mightier than the noise of many waters,                                          yea, than the mighty waves of the sea.
Thy testimonies are very sure: holiness becometh thine house, O LORD, for ever.”

Psalm 93, KJV

truth, goodness, & beauty

I’m feeling the burden of school and work, school and work… with hardly any breaks. Even if I do have time for something else I keep myself busy out of habit… this afternoon I automatically suppressed my thoughts of God that were turning themselves into ideas and words and poetry. I didn’t have time for the extra stuff. I had to get more work done and deny myself, just as I have been doing for the entire semester. But after I thought about it,  I stopped and wrote the poem- mostly because of a beautiful concept I learned about in class, of Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.

I keep thinking about that explosively powerful trinity, and how Beauty is the most dynamic of the three. God uniquely gifts some people with ways to creatively express His beauty; I can’t make the beauty of poetry less important than it really is.  Another concept the teacher introduced to me is sehnsucht [longing + addiction]. I had heard the word, but when he explained it a whole new realm of thought opened. Sehnsucht is the longing for God that He has placed in every human’s heart, sometimes known as the “God-shaped hole.” This powerful desire is like a horrible thirst that cannot be satisfied; it is the reason that people get addicted to things. They cannot fill an infinite hole with something finite. Ever since I learned about this, I see sehnsucht everywhere- and it breaks my heart to see the people around me so deceived. They are throwing pebbles into the Grand Canyon! Only God can fill the human heart.