a prayer: honest poetry

my Father,

somehow I know tonight that you work in me,

even as I moan, weary of my sin disease.

I hate my flesh that loves all that is in the world;

the twin lusts and the exalting pride destroy me.

though a child of my own Father, I feel a bastard

and see the sickening resemblance of heart and mind

to the dark master in my past. I am weakness.

am I an invalid in the house of my Father?

why is victory wrung, and defeat commonplace?

the eagle: on flying high

“On a day in the autumn, I saw a prairie eagle mortally wounded by a rifle shot. His eye still gleamed like a circle of light. Then he slowly turned his head, and gave one more searching and longing look at the sky. He had often swept those starry spaces with his wonderful wings. The beautiful sky was the home of his heart. It was the eagle’s domain. A thousand times he had exploited there his splendid strength. In those far away heights be had played with the lightnings, and raced with the winds, and now, so far away from home, the eagle lay dying, done to the death, because for once he forgot and flew too low. The soul is that eagle. This is not its home. It must not lose the skyward look. We must keep faith, we must keep hope, we must keep courage, we must keep Christ. We would better creep away from the battlefield at once if we are not going to be brave. There is no time for the soul to stampede. Keep the skyward look, my soul; keep the skyward look!”

-Streams in the Desert

losing big money & trusting the Giver

This morning I found out that out of sheer stupidity, I lost a scholarship. Misunderstandings & missed deadlines removed the possibility of a very much needed payment on my tuition bill. It made me so mad I cried… I walked along to my dorm and said, “Why do  I have to fight so hard to do your will, God? You know, I could do something easier.” Both my parents and I have been working for years to make college possible, and it hurts me to see how much they are sacrificing for plane tickets, laundry, care packages, clothes… etc. I am paying for tuition with my own blood, sweat, and tears, and I just lost half of what I would make all summer long.

Then I read the Psalm that was open on my browser. “Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled… they soon forgot his works; they did not wait for his counsel.” I’m not going to pretend that everything is fine now, but I do know that God has brought me to my third year of college with no debt- He will certainly be faithful for the last two and a half years. Through the fire & the storm, I pray that I will still be able to look up and praise Him for His goodness and His wonderful works in my life. “Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting! And let all the people say, ‘Amen!’ Praise the LORD!” [Ps. 106:48]

 

so love at 1st sight happens after all…

and I walked in the door with old friends,

but there stood a new one & he was polite

and we shook hands all around,

but when I got to him I waited for his hand first

because I didn’t want to be bold…

then he pretended to be hurt, and I said sorry

and in the laughing awkwardness I felt his grasp.

none of this cold fish business, but strong

and warm and willing. and dear Father,

he has the cutest grin. please, make him like me

and when I think of him, is it okay to want him

if I just pray instead of wishing? because

last night I fell asleep with his eyes in my heart

praying for him, and only him…

and I think I have never prayed so fervently

a dialogue with my Father

Yesterday I bridged the gap between break and a new semester. I almost cried when the airplane left the runway… and then I had a headache and I hated being stared at by strangers. I laid my head on the window & didn’t understand, until I went into the sanctuary of God. Oh Lord, thou hast searched me and known me… if  I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. God, I know You’re my Father, but I really don’t want to do this. Because she has set her love upon me, therefore will I deliver her: I will set her on high, because she hath known my name. She shall call upon me, and I will answer her: I will be with her in trouble; I will deliver her and honor her. Maybe we can do this after all. I in them and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou has sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.

valley of vision IV

Thou great I AM,

Fill my mind with elevation and grandeur at the thought of a Being

with whom one day is as a thousand years,

and a thousand years as one day.

A mighty God who, amidst the lapse of worlds,

and the revolution of empires,

feels no variableness,

but is glorious in immortality.

May I rejoice that, while men die, the Lord lives;

that, while all creatures are broken reeds,

empty cisterns,

fading flowers,

withering grass,

He is the Rock of Ages, the fountain of living waters.

sin: the enemy within

Dear God, it calls me,

Screaming whispers reach from within,

I lean shuddering, lusting, fearing

It seizes and will not let me go.

Will I flee? will I sink?

Insisting, dragging, poisoning, sweetening

Robed in fascination, swiftly comes.

My God! I cannot call, my will is dead

And poisoned in the thrall.

You killed the shadow

The sickening, thrilling darkness is dead

And cannot take me.

Loving you, I flee from myself

To completing, cleaning, filling goodness

And hide in the depths of you.

My God! Bringer of hope and fullness

Only staying, nourishing, loving one.

You cannot go.

Thankful, I stay and love the source of love

With my poor passion.

Eternal one in light, my own.

i have decided to journal in poetry

I found one of my many poem/prayers in an old notebook today… it tells me more about myself than all my daily journal entries ever will. This openness before God was a good place to be… I need to go back there again.

Father, today I pray without pretending.

the wrapped up niceties are gone,

and only rawness remains.

you know the deep end of me, anyway.

this moment, I pray not theology

but simply crave to recall my reason,

the purpose I have for remaining alive.

all I want, all I ask is to believe

that the invisible is worth more.

to see the invisible, I need to know

the solemn meaning of counting my all as loss.

to gain your fullness, I must be empty.