Tonight I found out that I don’t even want to date. My roommates threatened to “set me up” with a premed major named Phil who “is really nice.” My excuse for refusing? I didn’t give one- just said I didn’t want to, thank you very much. Later I realized how deep my convictions had become without me knowing it. Because I believe that God has promised me that He will clearly show me the right man, I have decided to just wait. What’s wrong with dating? Nothing… but I know that God has a different plan for me. I know most people my age would consider me warped. [“How are you ever going to get married if you won’t date?”] etc. etc. You know what? This isn’t a gamble. My future marriage is in God’s hands just like my future career is and everything else about my life… and I am committed to leaving it there.
my God and Father,
you make the morning stars sing
and the trees clap their hands.
you spin the softness of feathers
and gild the rising dawn,
and clean your brushes on the evening sky.
you choose the clouds for your garment,
your chariot a stormy tempest
and the rain your song of love.
Being an artist scares me. I am not confident in my ability, at least not in the degree I have now. I feel that intense practice and study are necessary to even compete with my peers at a level of excellence. One thing I am confident about, and that is the fact that I am uniquely called of God to be studying art. I can be sure of God’s plan for me & I can follow, but the weak part of me would rather not work so hard. I know the next two and a half years are going to be a very intense period of growth and constant challenge, taking me farther than I ever would go on my own. God must have a purpose for me greater than I can imagine… but whatever I do will be a result of his gifts, flowing from a heart that He created, for His glory. What can I do but do my art for Him?
He’s a man who stops and prays just because, and he doesn’t care who’s watching him bow his head. He refuses to be in bondage to anything and satiates himself from the fountain of living waters. He does the business of life with all of his heart and sometimes makes big mistakes, but love covers all. He gets up early and goes to work with a packed lunch and stays overtime, all for the love of them. He still gets excited about water fights and chocolate chip cookies and boxes in the mail. He loves on his wife with a holy passion and holds her hand in public. He lives day and night for God with no breaks and no barriers. I know this man exists because someday he will be my husband…
and I walked in the door with old friends,
but there stood a new one & he was polite
and we shook hands all around,
but when I got to him I waited for his hand first
because I didn’t want to be bold…
then he pretended to be hurt, and I said sorry
and in the laughing awkwardness I felt his grasp.
none of this cold fish business, but strong
and warm and willing. and dear Father,
he has the cutest grin. please, make him like me
and when I think of him, is it okay to want him
if I just pray instead of wishing? because
last night I fell asleep with his eyes in my heart
praying for him, and only him…
and I think I have never prayed so fervently
Yesterday I bridged the gap between break and a new semester. I almost cried when the airplane left the runway… and then I had a headache and I hated being stared at by strangers. I laid my head on the window & didn’t understand, until I went into the sanctuary of God. Oh Lord, thou hast searched me and known me… if I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. God, I know You’re my Father, but I really don’t want to do this. Because she has set her love upon me, therefore will I deliver her: I will set her on high, because she hath known my name. She shall call upon me, and I will answer her: I will be with her in trouble; I will deliver her and honor her. Maybe we can do this after all. I in them and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou has sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.
Tag. I’m it.
Holy fingers brush me
In love, the endless chase
Of chosen and divine.
Angels watch and wonder
As mortal chases immortality
And feeble fingers reach
the fleeing majesty.
Tag. He’s it.
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Certain people in my life keep reminding me that the next semester is bearing down on me like a tornado. I wonder… when will I stop counting out my life in semesters? Right now my future looks exactly like this: semester, summer work, semester, winter work, semester, summer work, semester, winter work, semester. After that fateful last semester, all is question marks and hope and dreams. I get a kick out of people who ask me what I’m going to do with my studio art major, because I don’t know either. All I know is that God wants me to be an artist. I also know that He has my life all mapped out, down to the last destination. No worries.
Watching the snow blowing and drifting today, I saw a lot of dead trees and solitude. Call me morbid, but that naturally led to thinking about death. I thought about how strange it is to look down at the empty body of someone you love, and knowing that they aren’t there any more. God just stopped giving them their next breath, and they left this world for the next. After all, the difference between a living body and a dead one is the breath of God; the same breath that He breathed into Adam’s nostrils. That breath, for God, was a tiny act- but it contained the entire human race. God is life, and life is God. The very Hebrew word for God, Yahweh, is said to sound like someone taking a breath when it is pronounced in Hebrew. With every breath that I take, I am acknowledging my Creator who is constantly giving me the breath of life.