valley of vision IV

Thou great I AM,

Fill my mind with elevation and grandeur at the thought of a Being

with whom one day is as a thousand years,

and a thousand years as one day.

A mighty God who, amidst the lapse of worlds,

and the revolution of empires,

feels no variableness,

but is glorious in immortality.

May I rejoice that, while men die, the Lord lives;

that, while all creatures are broken reeds,

empty cisterns,

fading flowers,

withering grass,

He is the Rock of Ages, the fountain of living waters.

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sin: the enemy within

Dear God, it calls me,

Screaming whispers reach from within,

I lean shuddering, lusting, fearing

It seizes and will not let me go.

Will I flee? will I sink?

Insisting, dragging, poisoning, sweetening

Robed in fascination, swiftly comes.

My God! I cannot call, my will is dead

And poisoned in the thrall.

You killed the shadow

The sickening, thrilling darkness is dead

And cannot take me.

Loving you, I flee from myself

To completing, cleaning, filling goodness

And hide in the depths of you.

My God! Bringer of hope and fullness

Only staying, nourishing, loving one.

You cannot go.

Thankful, I stay and love the source of love

With my poor passion.

Eternal one in light, my own.

i have decided to journal in poetry

I found one of my many poem/prayers in an old notebook today… it tells me more about myself than all my daily journal entries ever will. This openness before God was a good place to be… I need to go back there again.

Father, today I pray without pretending.

the wrapped up niceties are gone,

and only rawness remains.

you know the deep end of me, anyway.

this moment, I pray not theology

but simply crave to recall my reason,

the purpose I have for remaining alive.

all I want, all I ask is to believe

that the invisible is worth more.

to see the invisible, I need to know

the solemn meaning of counting my all as loss.

to gain your fullness, I must be empty.

thoughts from above the clouds

When the wait for Christmas break ended and the plane lifted off the ground, I cried. I’m headed home… and He said, haven’t I been faithful? I love seeing the patterns of blue and orange city lights in the darkness, so far below- they always show me how tiny my own world is. And still, he chooses to be involved in my life & make an intricate plan just for me. And then we broke through the clouds and the world was gone, and there were only clouds- up there, where only He can walk. It’s His domain, and He made every detail of it. After the crowds and stress of the semester, it is peaceful to be here, just praying and praising Him for the beauty of who He is.

on servanthood and the Spirit

Tonight at work, I was scrubbing what I have to scrub and cleaning up after people… all of whom treat me as a piece of furniture. Sometimes they run into me. I was not happy about the fact and wondered, what gives them the right to be above me? I know, I am being paid for this- but they could at least thank me, or smile, or something.

Then the still small voice found me. I never realized before how His voice is like the wind “that bloweth where it listeth.” This reached me softly, echoing into my heart- “He came not be served, but to serve.” He served, and that is enough payment to be a drudge for the rest of my life. I, the servant, am not greater than my Master.

psyche of a college kid

For a person like me who enjoys studying personalities & psychology like issues,  a college campus with thousands of people has a lot of potential.  Often I laugh at what I see… they are just away from home, but living it up and determined and putting up facades.  Sometimes I feel sorry for them- there is something pathetic in putting so many kids in one spot. That’s what they are, really… in spite of their exaggerated freedom, they are just kids who have just been let loose on the jungle gym. Though no two are alike, they all have a sense of restlessness. They know what they want and are afraid they will never get it, but are working so hard for their dreams.

the definition of beauty

If I had never seen an entire display of Monet’s masterpieces, something far less might impress me; so when sin appeals to me, it is only because I am looking at sin rather than God. If I were looking at God, I would see that He is the definition of truth, goodness, and beauty. Sin will grow filthy to me if I gaze on God until I learn to see Him shining forth in His perfection of beauty (Ps. 50:2).

steadfast love in the morning

If you’ve ever been so tired that you run into closed doors and react about ten seconds after something happens, you know what college life is like. In the morning, I usually wake up having forgotten about God’s love for me… all I want is more sleep, and I feel that I were better dead than up early and at college about a million miles from home. I dread waking up just because of the depression that hits me. So this morning, my first conscious thoughts went something like this: “I hate alarm clocks. dear God, help me. I don’t want to be depressed today. I hate my life. why am I even alive? dear God, is it wrong to want heaven so much? I am sorry I am so discontented… I want to go home, dear Father, just take me home.  I can’t take any more of this. The Lord is my light and my salvation…” Never mind taking one day at a time, I take one second at a time. Thank God for His love in the morning and His faithfulness at night (Psalm 92:2).